Birth - day - eve

This is weird. It was my birthday and for the first time, I was not excited about it. I was apprehensive.

The thought that this is the last birthday gave me creeps !! I simply wanted to undo things to the way they actually were - this time, last year. People kept assuming that I am happy and looking forward for the day break. But all I needed was a shoulder to cry on, cry on all night, as if that will (miraculously) take me back in time. Everybody were super-excited and looking forward to the day. Nothing did they know of what it did to me.

I had planned a dinner with the gals and Amma too, as Appa was at Thapovanam, the entire week. I chose not to ruin their excitement. and 8 of us hit Novelty Tea House, Mylapore, for the occassion. It was a good one.

There are very many angles to my perplexion, viz.,

S has never called me, will he today, atleast? or not? Or worse, will he be at my door? That was the last thing I wanted to happen and that's exactly what happened. But honestly, I would have been the happiest if he had called up and had we had a sane conversation, atleast over the phone. Guess, that's gonna be a farfetched dream, for we never had one even for the time he was at home, last night.

The gals had stayed over at home, post dinner and were all hyper-over-joyed when he turned up at the door by midnight and there was no control button, perpectually, after that. Amma was swept off her feet, literally.

All I was looking was for some personalization. Now looking back, I am glad that he had atleast put up his wish on that cake he had brought along, for there was nothing else other than that.

And yes, I did get to spend some time with him, (though its not technically 'with' him), at the kids' kacheri in the eve. But otherwise, there were no specific communication nor conversation at all.

All the happenings, everytime, make everybody feel uber glad about S. Whilst, they make me standstill and speculate of the proceedings.

The First Gift - Review

Conversations with S.

December 15, 2014, 23:25.

"Was told you bought the kurta ! Nice !! Thank you !!"

"Ha"

"It is with the bill, you know"

"Incase of discrepency in size or color, you can exchange, by this week"

"Shouldn't be an issue"

"Nice cotton too !"

"I am glad u like it"

"I was shit scared to get one for you"

"40 looked big"

"Did you try it on?"

"Mutual it is"

"Yes ! yes ! I did !"

"And... its fine?"

"Yes it is !"

"No worries"

"Cool then ! Got a red already?"

"For sure not here"

"Not sure about home though"

"But guess, no"

"Yea, no"

"Yaaay !"

December 20, 2014, 20:15.

"Incidentally, this will be the first long kurta I will be wearing"

- Seriously? And you are okay with it?

"Yeah and it is red !"

-- I didn't sense any negativity nor sarcasm. Thank god !

The Ring Disaster

Just when I begin to feel, things are smooth and hassle free, God is like "Oh! You think so?" with an evil grin.

We had placed order for the rings on December 01, 2014, for they needed maximum of 40 days to get it done. After trying on every possible ring available in the shop (GRT, undoubtedly!) we settled for one.

The basic common requirements, we had in mind, were pretty simple and straightforward, viz.,

• Material - Platinum. Coz gold was too mainstream and I didn't want it all flashy flashy,
• Pattern - As plain as the day.
• Model - Wedding band types. Unisex.
• Addons - Names to be written, on both.

However, there was one thing S wanted that I really did not - Rock. I somehow was not inclined to the idea of a 'stone'.

We decided on a plain (no stone) wedding band. Names could be written later after it is made.

It was all good until, we had gone to collect them yesterday. Yes! they were ready in 15 days (Yaaaaay!!!) It was a tad tight for the both of us. We specifically made it a lil loose, as such it moved about freely in the finger, leaving no mark. But, LO! Now, in a fortnight's gap, it's a tad tight already. I was apalled.

I couldn't blame the shop-guy either. Coz the rings were perfectly the sizes they had measured earlier - 18 and 20. But still, tight enough.

Was I excited about the rings or was I complaining about the almost-incompatible sizes?

We tried every possible ring, it's just I am not sure if we actually tried this ring or these sizes - specifically. I am to be blamed. I just don't remember, now.

With another month to go for the engagement, what if they wouldn't fit at all?

The First Gift

I have always been pretty good in gifting people and suggesting gifts to people. I love doing that. I love surprising people with gifts/ experiences. I either buy gifts for special occasions or simply gift people anad make it an occassion. Simply put, it's my kinda thing to get people stuffs, ranging from chocolates to sky lanterns.

Its been over 3 months, since we started sailing together, mutually and what have I given him - NOTHING !

It's not that I didnt wanna get him anything , it's just that I could never pick one for him. I wanted to get him something that he will like to have/ try. Not that he has to boast about it but atleast not regret getting.

Something or the other kept nudging me that he wouldn't cherish anything I pick, viz.,

Keep-along stuffs - Where will he keep them? What if he loses them? Or what if he wouldn't wanna keep them?

Car-stuff - Now that he has decided to change cars, what good will that make?

Watch - What if he already has one that kind?

Shoes - What would he prefer - Loafer? Walking shoes? Formal? Woodlander?

Shirts - I had no idea about the colors he'd wear, the pattern, the texture or anything !

This list is endless, from wallets to jerseys. For anything I considered, I had a hundred million questions in my head with absolutely no answers.

Finally, Fab India came to my rescue. I mean, who doesn't like kurtas? I could get him one. I remember seeing him in one. He will like them. He might. Or if he doesn't, he isn't gonna tell me that anyway, atleast not anytime soon.

So I set off to FI, with P and started hunting. I picked a red, knee-length kurta.

We had gone to collect our rings today and this was handed over.

On the mark of 100 days. Yaaaaay !!!

Fingers crossed now.

And, let there be shopping !

With 42 days to go for the first set of events, this is what I am done with. Sarees, in the first phase.

Colors picked - Pale blue and Bottle Green, in that order for the engagement ceremony. And one more - Grey, which will fall under the wedding list though.

What people said : 

Honestly, people weren't that happy with the selection, except mom. She was more than happy for both the colors and the price.

S's mom (and dad, too, I guess) felt, I should be picking up brighter colors and costlier stuff. However, the sarees I liked lay in the price range of the cheaper category. I really do not mind the low price, which isn't actually low atleast for me, coz the colors were pretty. 

I sensed utter disappointment, when I sent the pics to P. She was like, they are way too simple for a bride-to-be and looked more like cotton than silk, especially the blue one. I am hoping she will change her mind, atleast a lil, after seeing them.

S never bothered to even mention about it. However, I decided I should atleast push it on him even if he doesn't venture himself and so I sent him the pics and prompted a comment or two. All in vain. I ended up suggesting shades he should be picking that will go with my saree.

>Introducing SR - One person I can rely on to be there by my side with no conditions applied. We can talk about everything under the sky, bitch about each other and others, and still put up with each other, no matter what. I wish things remain the same as now, forever and beyond.<

I should say, I was surprised, when he enquired about the colors and all. Just like me, he liked the blue one, big time. Interesting.

Is it just me, or is this weird?

More than often now, I have got into this habit of finding new reasons to freak out about the proceedings. I am hoping that someone, will reassure me, that things will be fine and that I am doing the right thing, now and then.

This time, it was a bit different. I did not feel scared or insecure about the happenings, but weird. We have known each other for, like, 2 years now and few things that made me wonder if this is unnatural or supernatural viz.,

1. We do not call each other. As in, we have never addressed each other, ever.
2. We do not ring each other. He has hardly called me like 5 times and taken my call twice, till today. All of them were under 5 minutes, usually 10 seconds max.
3. Now that we have never called each other, I really wonder what we will be putting up on the ring.
4. We never fight/ argue in person. I am beginning to feel he is reluctant to make any negative memories. But things just dont work that way, do they?
5. No cheesy talks or beating about the bush. Just straight-forward. Point blank. It does hurt at times, though.
6. I have never bought anything for him. I really want to. But I am absolutely clueless on what to get. Of all, what if he doesnt like or wouldn't use what I get or worse, what if he already has one?
7. We have never discussed/ brought up any serious topic for discussion. Never. Everytime we manage to talk, it is just random stuffs under the moon. Very rarely, personal.

What's more weird? People never believe any of the above, specially the parents, both sides and yea, friends too.

It is weird isn't it? I so want things to be different, intimate. It will be really better and nicer if all the above just turn the other way around. But, this is my reality now. Do I have to alter? Or just get used to the indifference? All these get me worked up so much that I begin to wonder, if we are in a place which both of us want. Or is it just - one is okay, assuming that the other is?

Enlightenment - So what? It is S! The scope is still high that he will let me, be me and still accept me for what I am. Then, so will I - let the weirdness be.

Color, color, what color do you choose?

This wedding is the start of many things, amongst which silk sarees top the list. I do have one, worn once. But this season is gonna be pouring sarees which I hope I drape atleast once in a year or two. 

There is an unwritten rule that it is all gonna be SILK sarees, you know, the original silk. But since it is gonna be may, I am hoping to get a few cotton as well, atleast as a filler, even if not for the event. There was too much chaos, inside and outside my head, as to what colors I will want to be seen in. Despite that, rejecting colors seemed pretty easier than finalising.

No-go - Black and White. (Those I should not pick)

I really wonder, what will be the color of his suit for the reception, if at all he decides to wear one.

No-no - Pink, Magenta, Orange and any of the uber bright shades. (Those I do not want to pick)

Now comes the deciding part. Its not about picking a color that suits me, but suits us better. That is one of the resons I am a strict NO to all the bright stuffs.

Color-wishilist : Without much ado, I short-listed the colors I would love to try on, hoping that they will suit me and so that I could get one in each.

Must-must -

• Yellow - No ! Not the ultra bright yellow, but the more subtle one.
• Grape color - Nice and thick
• Blue - Not Royal. Not thick. Not pale either. Just, Blue!
• Pale Blue - Sky.
• Red - this is gonna be 'the wedding saree'
• Green - Real thick. Bottle green.
• Grey

I guess that is pretty much it. I might need a couple of more shades which I am hoping to absorb, on-the-spot.

>>Making a mental note to get a White and a Black saree, even if not on the wedding list<<

It's check-list time

Introducing P.

One dinner with her and things simply fall in place or atleast appear to be. Coz I am so full of all the hope that things are gonna be just fine, more than fine - FUN, actually. She often, or rather I should say, always insists that I should get into the Bride-zilla mode, however I'd prefer the Cool-cat.

The best part about talking to her is that the subject of her sentences is always "WE" and not "YOU". As in, "What are we doing tomorrow?" "Where are we getting that from?" In contrast to what I always hear from others "What do you have in mind?" "When are you gonna do all that?" and I am constantly like, "WHY ME?" She is just so reassuring that I am not all alone in this abyss.

So, that's how it all happened last night - over dinner, at the Subway, Nungambakkam. I realised I have done pretty much nothing and I should really get started, keeping in mind the couple of weekends available to get things done.

First things first - make a Checklist.

Checklist of what? Checklist of the various many different categories that should be considered. So, basically, I should be making - a checklist of all the checklists that should be made. Ha ha !

The Master CheckList.

Cold feet, cold feet, everywhere !

Aaaarrggh ! Where do I begin?

My greatest fear, as far as the wedding is concerned, is probably the - getting dressed up phase and that about marriage is the probability of this not working out. Thus said, any proposition that comes up my way, in this regard, gives me cold feet.

Why can't we simply be 'pronounced' man and wife instead of all the tedious rituals and stuffs? It is the enormous preparation that is necessary for the event that beats the shit out of me.

 Look what came up when I decided to run the day counter today !!

50 days to go, for the engagement !!

Trust me - this is not making things any easier for me...

Yes ! I did decide to start planning on the necessary preparations for both the engagement and the wedding but did I? NoooOO!!!

WHY? - Cause I still am looking out for factors/ reasons that will help me believe that this is gonna work out just fine and that our future is gonna be worth all this strenuous preps by the families.

I am happy now, yea, I am, hands down. Yet, there is this lil part of me that wishes it was still May and my ONLY biggest worry was to book weekend tickets to and fro Chennai.

The new beginnings

So this is how it all kicked off...

Scene 1 : Mom and me.

"When do you wanna get married?" - After another two years, may be.

*Man proposes God disposes!* A couple of weeks later...

"What do you think of S?" - He is good. Why?

"You should may be talk to him" - Huh? What?

--June 8, 2014 --

And thats the moment I knew I am done.
 
Scene 2 : Inner me and me for the next two months.

 "Do you wanna get married?" - Naaah !

"Do you like him?" - Ofcourse I like him

"Do you really wanna take this forth?" - Yes and No. I am so hoping he will NO me. (The optimistic me)

"What if he doesn't?" - He has always been NO'ing. He will.

"If at all..." - Why would he YES? Oh! Crap!

"So now, convince yourself for an YES." - He has put up with me for like two years now, good enough isn't it? He has seen at my worst and still chose to stick on. If he still thinks this is gonna work out, I guess this is worth the try.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" - I am. Once I take this step, I, for sure, know there is no looking back, ever. (The pessimistic me)

"So why don't you call him up?" - Let him.

"Text atleast?" - He will.

>>And I never brought this up for the next 12 weeks and 5 days after Scene 1, until he did <<

 Scene 3 : S and me, another couple of months later.

 "Will you be happy with me?" - Yes!

--September 6, 2014--

And thus, it all began.

In-Law-ing ... !

At times, I simply sit back and hope that all this is nothing but a long realistic dream and that I would wake up in my Bangalore apartment, cozily wrapped in my sheets...

Many a times, the happenings make me feel that it is all just too fast for me to get a grip on the reality. It is so fast that I have even stopped trying for the grip.

I was chatting with a friend on Lync at work and in the conversation's course, this is what I did -

Type : "naah re ! i gotta visit my in-laws that sunday, the weekend is ... "

Press Enter.

And then I sat staring at my screen for which seemed to be a really long time.

Okay, this is the first time I have used those words "IN-LAWS" to denote my own. I should admit it makes me feel a lil old than weird. Down the lane, in a couple of months, I will be expected to be the responsible one. God!! 

This is EXACTLY how I feel -

PS : Joey love

Apathy or Apetite?!

Until a couple of weeks back, I had absolutely no idea about the nuances of MY wedding. You ask me suggestions/ ideas for some random person's wedding and I can talk in length getting into the very minute details of even the trivials. But, now that I have talk about mine, I am all - err.. uh.. hmm.. aahh.. &%^#@ !

Then it struck me - there is gonna be a wedding, no matter who the bride is, it has to be planned.

From the day it all started, things have been topsy-turvy. Appa and I have had every possible war on every single thing. We have had and still have all the differences in the world, reason being I am the one with the taste for reality. After almost half a dozen world wars, here I am:

I wanted a July wedding. Coz Chennai summers are too hot and January is like tomorrow. But it is a May wedding now. (May the Lord have mercy, weather-wise!)

I was hoping a direct wedding with no struggle of engagement formality and all, but S's parents insisted, not willing to let go of their allotment of the process.

I wanted to get married the informal way - you sign, I sign and done ! Followed by a dinner with the hundred dozen friends and family - to meet the newly wed.

After much of, which now seems to have been, a pointless struggle, I ceded and pleaded for a one-day conventional wedding.

I am suggesting candid photographers, coz we (S & I) hate posing for pics and Appa thinks they are too costly.

and a lottttt more !

Being the eldest girl in the family, has its own gravy - every person in the family has their own piece of fantasy about your wedding and atleast an 80% of every-thing have to be met.

S is no exception too, for he is the only son of the two kids in the family. I can already see it all happening half way between the two worlds - reality and fantasy. And, I just realised it is more of an apetite than apathy !

Afterall, every girl deserves her day.

The Qualm And The Calm

Unprepared, is the word.

I had a whole different two years planned ahead of me, which had no traces of companionship in what-so-ever form. The plan was so fine and set, that I never had the slightest doubt that I will have to whisk away, ever. Having said that, I had no Plan B.

It included many different action plans including - change in job, get on with the passion part, do a masters, more of travel, nikon and what not, everything but a wedding ! I had also made a reasonable progress in a couple of the afore mentioned and luckily or rather unfortunately now, was shortlisted for the final stage of something that was simply more than just a dream to me.

And then, I had to choose.

It was the most chaotic fortnight I had to push through. I was neck-deep in the sea of dilemmas. The contemplation was rigorous. I was unsure of the sides. Each had its own validations. I wished it was still May and not August. Now, I sincerely hope history doesn't repeat itself, for I might not get lucky every time.

I could be selfish. I could be reluctant to give up on my dream job. I could be adamant to not get married off, this early. But things just do not work that way. I realised that my decision had its own impact on not just us ( S and me ! ) but also on the concerned families.

The choice was thus made. I, hopefully, will be going forth with the exact same 2-year plan, with a small shift in the time frame. Instead of 2015-17, it will be 2016-18.

My only rationale behind the decision - S ! And, I know I am gonna be thanking myself later.

>> Pray for me ! <<

Weddings, Nikon and Me

I am this sooper lazy girl, who would chose to sit back home in slacks and read books than dress up for a wedding and meet people.

I am highly impatient to wait in a queue to meet the wedding couple and would rather wave them from off-reception-stage and sneak out of the building to the terrace or a nearby calmer place.

I would prefer to drive back home after marking my presence to a handful of them in the crowd at the earliest possible and retire in my slacks.

Oh! and yea.. I never stood with the couple for more than 2 seconds, coz I was too scared of the photographers. God! I so hate posing for pics !!

Weddings, in my mind, have always been an extravagant avoidable affair, which people anyway chose to spend time and energy on.

Slowly into my college, though my idea about weddings remained the same, my perception did change a lil, to some extent.

My cousin's wedding was such a page turner, that I began to like large crowds, celebration and merriment.

I still did not start a shopping spree nor did I start dressing up, but it was just that, relatives/ friends will start finding me at weddings for a reasonable amount of time.

That was when I handled my first Nikon, in the last years of school. It was a Nikon Coolpix L series digital camera, that became my sole reason to attend weddings and ofcourse, the awesome food too !

Later, now, after college, weddings have became more like a ritual coz, it is all my friends getting married in a row. And attendance is more than just mandatory. Luckily, my Nikon had been upgraded twice. I hold a D5100 now and it is increasingly fun.

I have started a lil (comparatively !) on the shopping thing only coz weddings in a row cannot stand a wardrobe repetition, thanks to the same bunch of people I had to face at every event. Even then, dressing up continues to be a nightmare.

Things did change a lot, yet my idea of a wedding still remains the same - extravagant avoidable affair, which people anyway chose to spend time and energy on.

And I am no exception too !

>> Gods be Good !! <<

Rhapsodies of a Bride-to-be?

"Why on Earth would you call that that????"

 Here's why...

Weddings are ultimate fun, indeed - you get to meet a lot of your aunts, uncles and cousins whom you never knew are still alive, you get to hang out and chat long with your friends lost and found from school / college days, you get to go on a pre-wedding shopping, all the yummy food..

And above all, you get to click umpteen hundred pics with/ of the above mentioned crowd and that of the cute couple too !

YES! Agreeeeeed !! hands down!

But all this holds true only until your timer starts ticking, trust me!

My counter just started off from 200 good days. I am here all freaked out, silently yelling inside my head, all-the-time.

And.. what's with all the noise?

I am a/an -
girl
Indian girl
Indian Hindu girl
Indian Hindu Brahmin girl
and,
I will turn 24 only a lil before I turn Bride !!!

This is what I get often -

"Duh! Shattaaap! I had kids when I was your age" - and that's why it is a silent yell, always !

In an attempt to stay sane always and forever, I chose "Bells and Knots" as a vent to channelize all the yins and yangs until the D-day.

Bless me !