Birth - day - eve

This is weird. It was my birthday and for the first time, I was not excited about it. I was apprehensive.

The thought that this is the last birthday gave me creeps !! I simply wanted to undo things to the way they actually were - this time, last year. People kept assuming that I am happy and looking forward for the day break. But all I needed was a shoulder to cry on, cry on all night, as if that will (miraculously) take me back in time. Everybody were super-excited and looking forward to the day. Nothing did they know of what it did to me.

I had planned a dinner with the gals and Amma too, as Appa was at Thapovanam, the entire week. I chose not to ruin their excitement. and 8 of us hit Novelty Tea House, Mylapore, for the occassion. It was a good one.

There are very many angles to my perplexion, viz.,

S has never called me, will he today, atleast? or not? Or worse, will he be at my door? That was the last thing I wanted to happen and that's exactly what happened. But honestly, I would have been the happiest if he had called up and had we had a sane conversation, atleast over the phone. Guess, that's gonna be a farfetched dream, for we never had one even for the time he was at home, last night.

The gals had stayed over at home, post dinner and were all hyper-over-joyed when he turned up at the door by midnight and there was no control button, perpectually, after that. Amma was swept off her feet, literally.

All I was looking was for some personalization. Now looking back, I am glad that he had atleast put up his wish on that cake he had brought along, for there was nothing else other than that.

And yes, I did get to spend some time with him, (though its not technically 'with' him), at the kids' kacheri in the eve. But otherwise, there were no specific communication nor conversation at all.

All the happenings, everytime, make everybody feel uber glad about S. Whilst, they make me standstill and speculate of the proceedings.